


Again

by shainlov



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, mentions of Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), so basically Fullmetal Alchemist: All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Alphonse Elric And Cats, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF Riza Hawkeye, BDE, Because Life, Chimeras, Confusion, Daddy Issues, Devil's Nest, Did I Mention, Don't Judge Me, Don't get attached, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Edward Elric Swears, Emotional Hurt, Emotions, Everyone Has Issues, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Family Issues, Feelings, Homunculi: Become Human, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I am so bad, I cut my orange uwu, I'm bored, Knifeplay, Life Debt, M/M, Oh My God, Other, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Parental Characters, Parental Maes Hughes, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Poor Life Choices, Pre-Canon, Psychological Torture, Self-Esteem Issues, Sibling Bonding, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Stabbing, Team as Family, Teen Angst, That's why I don't tag because it gets dark, Trust Issues, Ultimate Mom Energy, Vines, a tiny joke, and can't write rn, because I'm listening to this when writing this, because that's what some of the characters like to do, big dad energy, called stabbing, can I tag, not actual tags working as tags, oh man, some of this tags will get deleted, thanks to this tag I remembered where I keep my knife
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-01 21:24:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16773208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shainlov/pseuds/shainlov
Summary: Shall we go AGAIN?





	1. I thought I was running after something I carried over with my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hiromu Arakawa is God, the Truth.  
> Send the prayers you heathens.  
> One and true God and one and true Bible.  
> You know the drill.

Lust awoken, constructed from ash and dust and… **_something_ **else.  
  
She could feel things, like every other being, but for her it was overwhelming. She wasn't a conscious being before. She used to be a part of sweet nothingness, or maybe a part of whole…? It's a blurry image.  
  
First thing that came when the overwhelming sensation of being alive came away, was fear. She managed to take in a short breath and let it out before it started. Everything for those few short moments was clear and silent and delicate. The breath was shallow and shaky, short sharp inhale before fear struck her. Fear appeared accompanied by pain. It would even stay with her a bit longer than that little while. Lust trembled overwhelmed, what was all of this? Who was she? Where was she?

She didn't know anything. That would turn out to not be a bad thing.  
  
As sudden as lightning's strike, her lungs began to burn, thus causing her eyes itch with tears of agony. She was powerless, shaking, an empty husk crying out for knowledge and purpose. Why would she be alive? To feel her limbs hurt as if someone decided to stab her with millions of metal pins?  
  
The body was washed over with a wave of pain, the newborn arched her body with a small yell and began coughing harshly. **A purpose. An order.** She reached for her collar as if hoping that clawing at it will ease the pain. **Not important.** Before she could recognize, that she doesn't know from where she knows how to breathe, why she needs to breathe, how to sit up, what's her name, what's pain and other emotions are like – she was sitting up ignoring the sparks of lightning floating around circling her weak frame.  
  
Her mind was just born and she was too young to ask questions.  
  
She brought her hands up to her face and felt smooth texture under her fingertips and cold scrape of long nails on her cheeks.  
  
She still shook with pain. Her throat dry as she tried to swallow saliva.  
  
Her hands ran south over to her clavicle and then back to her face and her hair – a thick, curly, tangled, black mass between her fingers. She opened her eyes slowly - the images were blurry, first thing she saw, was her hand's pale and smooth skin, the long fingers with long pointy and shiny nails.  
  
Until Lust was doomed to hear whimpers of pain, begs for help, and whines of complaint going throughout her brain; it was quiet, plain, just... that pretty bright pastel blue... Then it gotten replaced with rotten red twisted figures of humans shrieking in her head, ringing in her ears and eating deep into her soul – if she had any.  
  
She would yearn for that clarity.  
  
When she heard for the first time cries of 469 souls – she wanted to scream in fear – scream at them to shut up, she wanted to beg them to just stop.  
  
She wanted to cry.  
  
Lust knew that they wouldn't even if she asked, so she stayed quiet. Obedient, scared newborn, she was.  
  
\- My children. - A demanding voice spoke up. ripping Lust from her trance. Newborn female turned her gaze at the owner of the voice. The room wasn't spinning anymore at least, she could make out his body shape, clothes and face. It was a tall man with golden eyes and blonde hair. Her eyelids felt heavy and worn out.  
  
\- Who are you? - Another voice spoke up making Lust glance to the side. Who else was here? She was alarmed, despite not being made aware of what danger is. Without any questions asked and answered, she knew subconsciously that next to her a being made from ash and dust like her, this one was named Greed. He was the exact same as she was, though he sounded less troubled and tired than Lust felt.  
  
\- I am your Father, and you're my children. - Father made a small pause before continuing to speak - Surely, you know your names.  
  
\- Right, right, I am Greed, and who is she?  
  
\- That's your sister, Lust. - Father said and in confirmation, Lust nodded. Two sets of amethyst eyes met each other. Confusion and uncertainity was shared briefly before they broke the eye contact to look at Father again. For some reason, Lust didn't like her Father, but it didn't really matter in her situation, does it?


	2. Yet I'm stumbling into people on this narrow, winding road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First days were filled with endless questions from the Father's two new “children”.
> 
> What is a child, really? Is it a being one person creates to have someone to love and give up the world for? Or perhaps, someone to have to drop off your dreams and duties – a legacy – on their shoulders? Is it a being that you have to lead into the world by the hand and then watch them let go of it and walk away leaving you behind?

Lust's knowledge previous to questioning is enough for her to be able to function on her own. She explored the idea of walking and experiencing texture of walls and floor underneath her fingertips, it was fun for a while. She never stopped her wondering about the things aside from crucial ones - how to live and who she is. After a few weeks, she finds out, that she actually doesn't have to breathe and the ache she felt during the beginning... _the birth_ was not suffocation, it was her body accepting a torn piece of Father's being. Something natural.

She feels more pain than _he_ does.

Father says it's because she's just a little bit _deformed_ , _unfinished_ , that it's nothing that a little bit of “purifying” won't help.

She's scared– since birth to now and probably in future as well. She knows subconsciously that this “purify” thing will hurt. That she won't like it.

Lust wasn't alone in her wondering and endless questions. Her _brother_ , Greed was exploring living and sensations just like she was. She couldn't help but notice that there was a vague difference between her and Greed. Greed was far more curious, he didn't fret over the sounds in his head – the moaning and crying - as she does. Those horrifying sounds sometimes overwhelmed her and made her stiff with fear. Lust asked Greed once if he hears the voices at all, she was so shocked that he was so calm. He answered that with “obviously, they are a part of us that keeps us alive”. It didn't help her with anxiety. She didn't want to cease to exist, but existing like that made her fear a bit.

One of many questions she has asked Father and herself was: "why are we here?". She has yet to have it answered.

Aside from them – Lust and Greed – there is another one made from ash and dust and this suffering conglomerate of _people_ \- Pride, but he doesn't like showing up and interacting with them. He preffered to stay in the shadows, that he controlled. His appearance was childish, but his core very dark.

She asked Pride of things she couldn't answer or hadn't gotten answer to from Father, which turned out to be more than one would expect. Pride's strangely patient for someone with this awful vibe, but Lust's just not afraid of him like she is of Father.

He never gave Lust a reason to be afraid, not yet, but she gets bad vibes around him. There's a part of her mind screaming louder than all those human souls whenever he's near.

This is when Pride explains to her what she is.

A homunculus.

An artificial human being.

Homunculus' life forces are able to exist thanks to the philosopher's stone, and that stone is made of many human lives... Lots of human souls. That's who is screaming inside of her head. Pride explains, that when she gets used to it, she will stop even noticing them. Father will fix her, she won't be scared anymore.

Part of her doesn't want to stop acknowledging pain someone keeps suffering through.

She questions then things she couldn't figure out actually knowing during her first day being born. Lust questions why she doesn't need to learn reading, counting, breathing, walking, running, talking – all the things she… just knows.

Pride says that it's plainly because she's a part of his mind that's powered by only a chunk of his philosopher's stone. Those things she can do are because Father decided it that way when creating her soul.

Huh… things he can do… she can do...

She's 1/7 of Father's being.

She knows 1/7 of what Father knows. She knows how to speak foreign tongue, she knows there is a Gate where Father's origins begun, it's a scary place– she knows about Xerxes, about Amestiris' origins– she knows about a human named Hohenheim who's currently actually a walking, living and breathing human philosopher stone– Father doesn't want Hohenheim to interfere with his plans because of sympathy. There's a plan– Father's plan.

Plan she doesn't know– or does she? She knows what has to be done– maybe a date? Not the exact one, but for homunculus a few years – is just a blink of an eye–

For Lust to get rid off all the questions it takes only a month, for Greed… well, he never really stopped asking things. For example, even now, after two years of existing, he explored and asked. Pride was pretty much fed up with Greed's existence.

And speaking of the devil...

''Hi.''

''Uhh… hi?'' Lust lowered the book she was reading and closed it.

She found it lying around when she was wandering around the sewers (it was where they lived, it was a dark place, the only source of light was the shining eyes of another person and the center, but thanks to Father and Pride, they didn't need light to wander around on their own). It only took a little bit of drying and it was good to read. Some human must've thrown it away hoping for the book to get drowned in waters of well… When reading it, she was getting into somebody else's life. These things are called… diaries, this one belonged to a girl named Solaris, she had a twin brother named Jameson, who annoyed her a lot. The girl called herself a “poet” and her brother was an “ignorant swine” who knew nothing of real art.

She wrote using “metaphors” – for first, Lust was a little bit lost in all the weird phrases, but more she read, more she understood. The girl wrote about “stars”, “moon”, “sun” and other things like that… things Lust haven't seen beforehand. Not herself at least, but at the back of her mind though… there are quite a few imagines of pretty landscapes that are described so prettily.

''What are you doing?'' Greed's usual curiousness spiked up.

''Uhh… Reading?'' Hesitantly drawing the words out, Lust pulled out her feet from cold water and while twin homunculus sat down next to her.

''What's reading?"

''Um… you know, those symbols are letters, and letters put into– you can't read– um... well, yeah, read those?'' Lust opened at random page showing it to her “brother”. Greed squinted his eyes in focus and then shook his head. ''Nothing?''

''Nope, Nothing, Nada.''

Lust hummed and turned the book to face her and then she began reading out loud:

_Jameson was more unbearable than usual past this week. It's because of his birthday. He's celebrating it today. We used to be so close, we would do a lot of fantastic and insane things together, go fishing, camp in the woods, pretend like civilization never existed and we – two unrepeatable, irreplaceable twins – have to create it from nothing, but since he gotten himself, new friends… we've been set apart. More and more, day by day. I'm worried about him, but I don't know how to word it, so he doesn't feel like his freedom is taken away._

_I love my brother._

_I need to talk to him…_

_All right! I am going to do this! From me, on his birthday, he will get the greatest gift of them all! Gift of love and honesty!_

''That sounds curious, what's next?'' Even if it wasn't that curious, Lust suspects that Greed would urge her to read on, because they have plenty of time before they are allowed to leave ''home''.

''Nothing.'' Lust answered showing the blank pages. ''Probably, she was too angry with herself for the thing not working out and threw it away. Jameson liked his friends much more than his sister.''

Pride told her that humans are easily influenced by moments and emotions, that they're likely to do dumb things when upset. A brain-dead human is easy to manipulate into opening the Gate– why would anyone ever open that... thing willingly? Even humans wouldn't. For the plan, there are needed five humans like that and five blood sacrifices, when it all gets done, a Promised Day will come…

She felt her limbs go stiff, some part of her recognizing that when it does, there will be many more souls like those in her head – screaming and begging in somebody's head... a person to not go insane would've... would've completely be washed out of emotions. Even homunculi have those.

She certainly didn't ask Pride nor Father to explain what is the plan, yet she knows nevertheless.

''You all right?''

''Yeah… just…'' Lust pauses realizing she's been staring weirdly into blank space and trails off, then she just chuckles and smiles. ''Want me to read you?''

''Sounds neat.'' Usually, curious Greed, let the question go unanswered.


	3. It's not like I want to go back to the way things were back then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //YAY I GOT MY FIRST KUDOs! <3 <3 <3 LOVE YOU GUYS UWU//
> 
> During the fourth year of the life, Greed and Lust knew the sewers nearly as well as Pride did (...)

During the fourth year of the life, Greed and Lust knew the sewers nearly as well as Pride did, and he was more or less sixteen times older than them. Greed was tired of the monotony that the life in hiding was and never stopped voicing it. Father told them they're too young to go out into the world, too naive, too weak. Lust was on Greed's side despite the fear – she knows all too well – growing.  
  
Growing greater ever since Father “purified” her. Did she mention before that Father never gave her reason to fear? Well, now she has one, and it was... well, a good one.  
  
Purifying hurt horribly.  
  
She turned into dust very slowly and she felt all the molecules scream against her dissolution into ash, but… if there was something good about purification, it was that for a moment… she felt that perfect, delicate, blue ease again… No begs, screams nor tears… they were gone for a few beautiful moments that she was conscious… there was nothing after that.  
  
Father changed small aspects of her personality, and then she was reborn a few months later. The new personality wasn't as honest as the previous one – Lust learned to lie, she was formed to never give up – never accept loss, the one thing she accepted and was hurting her like a lost fight was that she had to be obedient to Father, because there is no escape from him, her soul will be drawn to his… and even if she resists, he will find her one day and then, she and her consciousness will perish like she never existed. Being sucked again into nothingness and then reformed left her with the memories of previous form being fuzzy, but the feelings in her head stayed the same.  
  
It fixed nothing.  
  
It didn't lessen the screams. In her head instead, appeared a bigger piece of Father's mind. More knowledge about Xerxes, more knowledge about alchemy, more knowledge about the philosopher's stone.  
  
Back current day, Lust was with Pride searching for Greed.  
  
Father said that today he'll create a new sibling for them all to take care of and educate while he does his “work” and continues “the plan”. She once asked Pride about the plan, Pride said only a date and explained it as "blood sacrifice".  
  
Pride grows annoyed with the inability to find the second son, Lust senses his irritation and steps slower, wary of him.  
  
''Greed!'' There are cracks in the childish form Pride presents, she knows what lures underneath the thick skin… and it's unpleasant to say at least. The said mentioned homunculus was found staring down at his hands, he turned to face his siblings with a curious glint in his eyes and a huge grin on his face.  
  
''Look at this thing!'' he said showing his arms – started from tips of his fingers and ended on the elbows, they were covered in a thick dark layer of something. ''I have no idea what this is, but this is wicked!''  
  
''Put it for later Greed, now we're supposed to be somewhere.'' Pride scorns younger homunculus' enthusiasm. At that note, in response, Greed scowls and the three “children” watch how the mysterious dark layer disappears and becomes normal skin again.  
  
''Fine, fine, let's go see a new baby sibling.'' he puts his arms up in defeat and defense and walks up in the promise to follow as Pride turns away to disappear. Lust just waits for that.  
  
''How did you do that?'' she asks nearly instant to the eldest's disappearance.  
  
''I– um… don't know?'' Clearly not telling the whole truth, Greed looked away from his sister, who rolled her eyes. ''Come on, before Father gets impatient and kills us both.''  
  
''I can't agree with you more.'' Lust sighed in agreement. She envied Pride sometimes, his original body could travel really fast thanks to his little shadow monsters, only weakness, and limit they had (that they knew of) was when there weren't any shadows to create monsters from, while she and Greed traveled by feet. Sewers might seem big for someone who seen them only once, but for someone who lived here whole life they weren't that big.  
  
But it still took time to get from one of the ends to the center.  
  
Finally, when they have gotten to the center, there already was the table. Father was looming over it with impatience on his features. The twin homunculi apologized and came to stand beside Pride as Father began reaching out hands, the whole room began glowing red. Familiar sparks of transmutation and blows of air appeared making the three raise hands involuntarily to cover themselves against possible backfire.  
  
Ash and dust appeared, screams in the homunculi' heads grown louder and nearly unbearable – bringing them to point where they almost cried themselves.  
  
Creating a body without a soul was easy, but Father was creating a body with a soul – with a personality, their own conscience (intent to be similar to his own), an ability to explore the world and a will to live.  
  
Lust found herself with blades buried into her collar when the scream and fear lessened to a tolerable level, she tried pulling them out to only come to realize that it was her fingernails. Horrified, she pulled harder ignoring her pain and the blood trickling down her body, her own regenerating body and the chaos around her as she stared on her hands stained with her blood, the fingernails kept on lengthening and shortening and they shook, as she shook in intensified fear.  
  
She spat out blood until the whole chaos stopped.  
  
Her mind was gathered up enough for her to take a look at her brothers and notice the differences – they didn't look better than her at all. Greed was reminding her of an ugly patchwork, some spots covered with the dark layer and others with casual skin, unevenly. Pride, on the other hand, was trying to hold his skin together as it regenerated to keep inside the shadow monsters, his purple eyes shaken as he was trying to gather up his mind. He looked worn out but not surprised.  
  
Performing soul separation affected all of them apparently.  
  
Father was sitting on his throne in a state that was… terrifying. He was... tired. The energy was drained from him and he looked old. It took a few seconds, till philosopher stone done its thing and brought all the homunculi to their regular form.  
  
There they were again – perfectly untouched, no marks of anguish they have just felt. Oh, boy, will Lust and Greed has a lot of questions to Pride now– then, a sudden gasp gained all the spotlight. Father straightened.  
  
Lust cringed slightly reminding her previous birth and rebirth. They hurt, she knows what the poor little “sibling” is now going through, and then comes all the questions and confusion. She wants to come closer, but while Father is present, she's not going to commit to actions she wasn't ordered to accomplish.  
  
The littlest, for now, of them all, has sat up holding his hands up his face rubbing it harshly, especially the eyes.  
  
Something– felt off.  
  
The newborn homunculus slid his fingers apart and looked through them, apparently, the sight mortified him because he began screaming. That threw off guard Father, Pride and Greed.  
  
Lust, on the other hand, realized that the pain and the aghast in him are on heights, and she noticed already that they're all different, and apparently, this one sibling is softer than her. Fear affects him more than her, she takes a step forward trying to decide whether to endanger herself and try to comfort the newborn or stay back until he does so himself and realize that what he did was embarrassing– wait! Dread isn't a form of weakness. A form of weakness is to give up to it.  
  
He doesn't know better just yet.  
  
He must learn– he will learn, but for now, he needs to be comforted– she decided and wants to take her chances in comforting and takes few next steps when the homunculus starts wriggling.  
  
He falls off the table and starts crawling, arching his back in pain, red sparks of transmutation make Lust hesitate and step away. The youngest's skin turns green and his form gets messed up, he starts growing out additional limbs, his whole face gets distorted.  
  
Father stands up to end this – in any way, possibly by extracting the philosopher's stone from him, when suddenly, the homunculus grows.  
  
''Envy!'' Father says full of exasperation when another wave of transmutation disturbs him from reaching to his youngest.  
  
_Envy, Envy, Envy, his name is Envy._ Lust repeats as the transmutation grow even stronger and the whole center shakes. Envy grows until it seems like he reached the ceiling, maybe he could grow even bigger than that, who knows. It's a horrid sight because for now, the screaming souls only seemed to be closed on the inside of the homunculi, and Envy managed to make others hear what he hears.  
  
Not only Lust was affected now, taking a small peek sideways, she realized that she's been blind, too judging, so quick at that actually. She's oversensitive and inconsiderate, her brothers feel the same thing about the souls inside of them – it's all in their eyes.  
  
''Lust what are you doing?!'' Greed calls after his twin, who comes close to the unstable homunculus. She's not sure herself, but there's this strong feeling inside of her crying out louder than any of the souls right now.  
  
''It's all right Envy.'' She says making the creature go silent and look at her. Lust knows what she's doing is risky and possibly will get her killed – but philosopher's stone fixes that in two seconds. She holds the stare trying to look as calm as possible, trying to pay no mind of Greed's words – she's scared like never, but she's good at lying, time to use that. There's no time for questioning how did she get the idea so easily– it's time to think about taming a beast. ''I'm Lust, your older sister, you're safe.''  
  
A low gurgle comes out of the mouth until it turns into words. The being with less fear looks into Lust's face. It drinks in her facial features.  
  
''Lust…?''  
  
''Yes Envy, nobody wants to hurt you here. It's all right, you're safe.'' She repeats. Ha! She wishes she had someone to tell her that when she's scared (besides herself obviously). She controls her body on the outside but on the inside her heart is beating so fast, she feels breathless. ''Can you go back to the way you were before?''  
  
''Before…?'' Envy questions with his voice calm and eyes glued to Lust.  
  
''Well, you were much smaller.''  
  
''Small?'' He hums at his green… hands? Paws? Who knows. ''Small…'' He repeats transmutation sparks appear again when he indeed becomes smaller and more human-like. But he took Lust's form. ''Like this?'' The insecure voice was now her voice. Lust gave a smile that wasn't induced with fear.  
  
''You turned into me, that wasn't my point. Change into yourself, Envy.''  
  
''Myself… but small…'' The youngest homunculus muses and looks at his hands and turns into a child with short green hair and purple eyes.  
  
''That's it Envy.'' Lust praised him taking a few steps closer, the youngest homunculus looks around the room and sees Father who is neutral on the face. The green-haired boy steps closer to Lust and then hides behind her, cowers even more noticing Greed and Pride. Well, at least her... plan? That was hardly a plan... either way, it worked...  
  
''Lust… who are they?'' Envy questions quietly.  
  
_That's weird…_ Lust frowned, _…maybe the younger the child is, the less it knows? Or perhaps… I have the piece of mind he was meant to have because I got born twice? Maybe it's just the fear growing stronger with each child?_ Sure, she didn't recognize instantly Greed or Father, but she knew she's connected with them… maybe a different point of view changes the way she sees things…  
  
She hadn't had that realization before. All the obvious things, come harder to realize when you're born as an adult.  
  
''I'm your Father, child.'' The original speaks up first making the youngest jump. Looking at Lust with a question she knows all too well.  
  
_Is it safe?_  
  
''I'm Pride and this is Greed.'' The eldest speaks and Envy nods in acknowledgment, but still clings close to Lust.  
  
''It's all right Envy, nobody wants to hurt you here.''  
  
''Are you sure?''  
  


**_“Yes.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries as bad as I suck at tagging


	4. I'm just searching for the sky I've lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Envy was born alone and afraid.

Envy was born alone and afraid.

They wrenched in the pain of existence. Dividing the soul affecting them and their siblings. Sudden consciousness, the rush of thoughts – of screams, and they began moving. Their mind screamed ''get away'' when they opened eyes. Breathing came hard– had they have to breathe? Shallow lungs didn't hurt, but with them being shallow, they couldn't speak.

It hurts. It's terrifying. Make it stop.

They took in a breath and screamed. Peeking through fingers they saw other beings. Envy screamed at them, begging in this desperate cry for comfort. Had they not moved, Envy stopped and began moving away.

_Too pretty. They can't be both good and beautiful. They must be hostile. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Don't look down on me you–!_

They thought when crawling away from them and when backing away, their hand slipped off and the rest of the body followed after. Their voice choked out a yelp and then again they felt pain rushing through their body when a surge of screams echoed through their body.

_I have to protect myself._

It hurt, but thanks to this little pain they couldn't be looked down at. Nobody could if you're four times bigger than them! If they decide to attack, Envy will kill them!

The youngest homunculus is sure of their actions, until… they see her step out with this soft look, offering safety, assuring them it's safe… they get confused.

Lust is her name, she reassures them, she slowly instructs them, she smiles.

After Lust calmed Envy down, and rest of the siblings introduced themselves, there came turn for Father.

Father was glorious, but also… kind of dreadful. It set Envy at unease even looking at him.

Envy is confused, but most importantly, scared. Lust has to reassure them quite a lot before they understand, that there's no threat in here, in sewers. It was foolish and embarrassing for them to show they're scared. Envy questioned Lust about everything. She seemed all-knowing to them, just like Father, but Lust didn't like Father, just like she didn't like Pride. Pride was off, they could agree there, even with Greed. Greed was a nuisance. Lust explains that he's teasing, because of them always responding to any form of nagging. They just scowl at that.

With the time, they become he, because it's easier to identify with one gender that you're meant to be, besides, anything Father says, is true and ultimate in the end, if he gets bored of being "him", he can say and make himself become her, but will it be accepted when he's supposed to be son...? He doesn't know. Lust calls that shapeshifting and thus making him a shapeshifter.

It took a year for Envy to openly ask questions and get rid of his shyness, he begins pulling an attitude. Covering confusion behind smirks and huffs and crossed arms. With the time given to meet Envy closer, his siblings recognize the ugly, monstrous form as his real form. Envy hates that he's not like them, that he's ugly. His hair not fitting among siblings – short, fluffy and sickly green, so he changes that. He changed it into long straight hair.

He made himself turn. Scrawny, thin form turned muscular with body's age set between adulthood and childhood. His eyes went from soft, round, delicate purple into sharply edged with aggressive slits on dark amethyst pupils.

Shapeshifting was unique for him even among his siblings, ability that gave him everything he wanted and needed – his sister had dark nails that she could shorten and lengthen, they were made from super hard but flexible material able to cut through anything, even (in the right pressure) one of his brother's layer of skin that protected him from anything. It appeared like a new layer of skin, and the oldest of them had those shadows, but none could do anything he did - one had perfect defense – other, offense, but Envy could use his ability as an offense, defense, and espionage. He took pride in the shapeshifting and when he mastered the technique of quick changes from big to small, and small to big, the boredom caught up for the first time. The real boredom. Father was busy but didn't have any tasks for his children just yet.

Out of boredom, he does random things and that would come eventually – after getting to know all the turns in the sewers and questioning about… nearly everything! – he picks fights with his siblings.

This led him to discovery, that he doesn't like to get hit. Pain is… bothersome. He'd rather watch how Greed gets his ass kicked by Lust – or the contrary – either, was a sighting itself, because Lust was a collected, reserved and well-aware that she has nearly the same fighting skills as Greed. Thanks to that, Envy developed a few ways how to make his siblings pick a fight, but then, with time, they learned how to ignore the little things and stopped getting into arguments.

That's when the boredom struck him completely and he nearly gave up in fighting it. He did a few last tries of finding new ways of fun –he argued with siblings about the names for their abilities and they came up in that whole yelling with two ultimates – one shield, another spear – and there was a time when Envy chased Greed around the sewers in his bigger form and to not be squashed – the middle son had to run fast and know when to take a turn into smaller tunnel – in which Envy couldn't fit in without shifting (Envy wouldn't dare chase Lust around as he did with Greed, because of how she learned to backfire him with manipulation he played on her earlier – nothing worked). Envy has even begun attempting on spying on Pride, but that was hard – Pride had his shadow monsters with many eyes and no matter his form, they noticed him – unless he turned into a rat, they overlooked then, but if he stays visible for his sibling for too long, he will get hurt and most likely have to use philosopher's stone for regeneration.

Pride avoided his siblings and that was probably he was doing things for Father.

_Lucky Bastard_ , he cursed watching him disappear for days-long trips.

Father's plan… yeah, there was some plan, but Envy couldn't care less about it. It didn't affect him until he's fit for filling Father's orders, and he's apparently ''not educated enough'' due to Father. If being ready meant that he's going to have to be mean and secretive like Pride – he refuses to be like that. Even if he's bored, he's not abandoning the ability to have fun.

Yet, there was something about Pride being less useful for Father than Lust, Greed, and Envy, but he tended to skip that part due to fact that Pride was already running some errands.

Underground, they're cut from any form of contact aside themselves, and Pride even cut himself from them, because they're "foolish" and "shameless". Pride didn't partake in the sparring, or any games of sorts for that matter, not that Envy would want him to, he's awful with this shadow monsters to his deposition.

At some point, he annoyed Lust enough to share her one property – a destroyed diary of some human girl. He read it with slight annoyance growing into anger. He wanted to lash out on anything – how can a filthy, stupid human be allowed to see sky, sun, mountains, deserts and all these things, and he's supposed to sit below these all things locked up? Why do they get to have all that and he doesn't? He planned on giving back diary to Lust before he destroys it in his petty rage. He's above it.

He's better than humans, a part of a higher race. Class higher than stinky humans.

He wanted to give it back when he overheard Lust talking with Greed. It wouldn't matter if it wasn't actually interesting. Envy settled down and began listening if they didn't want to be heard, they'd go somewhere else and be quiet… well, he was looking for Lust, and sewers become small once you get to know to them…

''–outside? Now?''

''It's pretty cool out there, I've been few times.''

''But Father hasn't allowed that yet… You realize what he would do to you, idiot? Even Pride didn't get to leave more than three or four times!''

''I don't get all the hassle around the humans! Some of them are assholes, but nothing that a broken nose can't fix!''

Did Greed go outside without permission? Not that it was all this shocking. He was, after all, the most curious one… It seems like Greed took few trips before confessing he did it. Envy stayed quiet wanting to hear everything there was before he moves in and asks about it all himself– actually, come to think of it… where was an exit of the sewers?

Lust, being herself, scolded twin about ridiculous behavior, but still questioned about everything. Envy wasn't surprised, curiosity wins in all creatures that think.

Descriptions of the outside world fit the descriptions in book and flashes of imagines in his head… but he still wants to see it all by himself.

''Anyway, how did you get rid of the leech?'' Envy stopped thinking about the outside world and focused on his siblings…

''Leech?'' Lust frowned with confusion, he too. _What kind of leech could Lust have–?_

''Figurative of speech Lust.'' Greed chuckled. ''By that I meant: how did you get free from Envy? I got signals that he won't leave you at all, at any time.''

_Ah, obviously! Stupid Greed! Just because he's older by few years doesn't make him that damn much stronger and smarter! He can't even read!_ Envy ranted in his head frowning while crossing his arms and nearly huffed out-loud which would gain attention and he's not supposed to eavesdrop on his siblings.

''Well, you were wrong. He's enjoying his time reading.'' Lust said. She wouldn't be lying if he wasn't here. So, does this count as a lie? He would like to know what she thinks of him, what they all do.

''Huh? You taught him to read?'' He uttered with betrayal. Haha, so he does care about the ability to read? This is priceless information for teasing. Maybe, he should eavesdrop more often, so he can get things like that out of him.

''No, he knew how to.'' She couldn't help but chuckle at that. Envy knew Lust well, even if she didn't know him well.

''Sheesh, I am jealous.''

''I can teach you.'' Lust answered.

_Oh God, please don't!_ Envy prayed to try to hold back his mocking grin afraid that any form of glee will betray him. For a moment he pauses with all the excitement, right. He's hiding because if he attempted joining the conversation, they'd go on completely different trails with it. He's not welcome in their conversations.

He's just an annoying little sibling.

''So do you want to come with me, you know, outside?''

''Yeah, but now?''

''May as well.''

''You're serious? Now isn't a good time.''

''When will be a good time?''

''Tomorrow maybe?'' Lust said in a tone filled with annoyance coming from anxiety. She was right, Father was having an explosive temper as always and something as escapades like those might end up in purification. Envy wasn't purified once, but his siblings were. From what he heard of Lust's experience, it hurt like hell when you slowly turn to dust.

''Humans are fast and fleeting, when you decide to get out, they'll all be extinct.'' Greed said it in a tone that suggested Lust being over-caring.

''But Father–''

''Pops needs us, he wouldn't make us if he could do everything on his own. Unless he's really cruel like he attempts to appear and made us for mockery of possession humans have.'' Greed had a point. Father wouldn't put any effort when creating a mockery like this. "I think if we're allowed to get bored, we're allowed to have fun." Envy sometimes forgets, that _all_ his siblings expect him were turned to dust and reborn for insubordination, he's been taught to never ignore a thing Father said – they had to learn it themselves.

'' _Pops_?'' She questioned after a long pause. Classic, she's already convinced then.

''Yeah, humans are really curious things to talk to. You have to get out to find out yourself, then you'll understand.''

''Maybe I will… but you should be careful, Father will not be pleased finding out that we're sneaking out despite his warnings… You saw what he did to Pride…'' Ah, so she's going… wonder if she'll ask about me… or is she afraid I'll snitch on them?

''Yeah, that was scary.'' Envy felt a shiver crawl up his spine. If they were talking about that thing… it was… blood-freezing. Pride was known as the oldest, strongest and wisest out of the children, so seeing how easily – almost effortlessly – he was beheaded after saying two or three words too much when Father was annoyed… was traumatizing. ''You can't stay down here all life though, it's going to be a waste then.''

Hah, a vain hope for them to ask him to come along. He has to find out where's the exit and explore on his own...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this boy has complexes and doubts, love him please


	5. I hope you understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pride was born around 1550.

Pride wasn't born much earlier than Lust, Greed or Envy… Well, only if you live hundreds of years that is. He was born a few years before the first blood sacrifice. The event that happened in July 1588 has shown him the power of manipulation. Father has shown him the brutality that humans are capable of during war, only twice for Pride to understand that they are stupid.  
  
Really stupid.  
  
More useful as a part of philosopher's stone that powers their being and gives them the power to create whatever they wish to create and learn whatever they want – he lied to himself, he knew that he wasn't any use to Father, but he just didn't want to admit it to himself. In darkest times, when he's alone with the overwhelming complication of existing… he plans on becoming the most useful child. If he's useful Father won't ever get rid of the first child – of the experimental homunculus. He won't let himself be cast away like a toy that stopped being interesting – thanks to this thought, he was still alive. That determination to live plus few other differences set a wall between him and the ones that came after him. He hated them for having better bodies, they were the finished product, he was just a prototype.  
  
He hated them so much.  
  
But they were useful, he wasn't. Father needs children like Envy, Greed or Lust, someone who can gain a status in human society and lead them to Promised Day, and he cannot in form of a small child when in human society there's no way that a small child would get any sort of recognition. That wouldn't be so bad, there was also something about his body that set him ticking in annoyance and itch to kill. Their bodies were built like human ones, and he was a cage to something horrible, disgusting, and scary, a nasty part of philosopher's stone… The screams of the Xerxes' people are… unnerving too, but that was common among all homunculi. The shadow monsters he controls… he's only able to control them if he believes he's stronger if he's furious, hateful, cocky – and with something as nasty as fear… that's hard to achieve. Pride doesn't pay much attention to that though and maybe that's why he succeeds… besides, it would be… disgraceful… to pay attention to emotions… Father would purify him if he began to fall apart – whether emotional-wise or physically-wise or maybe even absorb him completely to cease his troubling existence.  
  
He feels… underestimated. Disgraced.  
  
Envious of what will come after him.  
  
Father didn't hide any plans before him, he wasn't important, so he didn't feel threatened by his Pride. The First Homunculus knows much more than any of his ''siblings'', for a moment only though. He knows that as soon as they're considered ''capable'', he'll be cast back into ''unwanted''.  
  
Annoying.  
  
That's right, annoying. Because of this being annoying, he's nearly always itching to kill Father's precious, prodigy, needed and wanted ''children'', but he knows how to get rid of it. For a moment, he closes his eyes, then he can see humans' frustration and hatred – he does that to remind himself that he doesn't want to be as reckless as them and actually accomplish something. Humans are very pitiful, he's seen them at their worst and at their best. Disgusting.  
  
Father only once showed sun to Pride, and that was because he didn't want to leave the child unattended, so he doesn't do anything that can endanger anything he's working on. Father showed him the strength of emotions. When he opens his eyes, he always gets his composure back, always.  
  
It was sunny July of the year 1588.  
  
Father led him out of sewers and the light that suddenly hit his eyes hurt so bad that he stopped and covered his eyes. After a few long moments – accompanied by Father's wearing thin patience – he could look up at the sky and his chest grew tight looking at the flawless blue sky decorated with white clouds. For a moment, he realized he's more adult than Father when he stops for a second to look at clouds while Father pushes forward… but only for a moment, Father's the adult here.  
  
He has the plan, he has the sense of duty. He knows how it is to be responsible for anything.  
  
Pride remembers that all the time he was sneaking glances at the sky, eventually looking at trees that were quite near. If he will ever be allowed to… he will go out and run around the woods. He will be dumb and enjoy simple dumb things.  
  
But not now.  
  
He shook off the thoughts when they arrived at a church. He won't ever step that low, just because he thinks of these things, it doesn't mean he will act on them. Shaking his head he began taking in the wonders of the cathedral. Father began talking to Pride about Truth and human gods – Pride doesn't remember much out of it, but he remembers that Father underestimated him back then and didn't care if he knew or didn't know things. Pride was supposed to be a toy he can talk with and won't die whenever he throws a fit.  
  
Pride remembers standing away from all the fighting, well, there wasn't any when he arrived with Father. He remembers pressing his forehead along with his hands against a pane of glass watching all the humans below. They were peaceful. Father was explaining how did he make all the fighting happen, but Pride only hummed and nodded, he never really knew why did it come to action.  
  
The act of aggression began suddenly, one moment there were humans walking around peacefully, some children playing in the streets, some people busy, some talking – he could even call it beautiful… then, everything stopped and tension began rising in the shopping square which was very visible. Then into the square came people in blue uniforms – humans influenced by Father – their hands rise and fall and suddenly, red blood spills.  
  
Pride can't help but take a few steps back in disgust watching the acts of cruelty. Sure, he felt pain before, he felt disgusted… but this was… this type of disgust told him to run. He knew he was being watched, but he couldn't care less at the moment, this was not okay. This was something to run away from. He covered his mouth, but couldn't look away from the blood splattering around. If he ever studied closer what this sick fascination was, he would know. But he never did, he wanted to both forget and remember this one moment.  
  
That Father is too dangerous to be with – a thought that came into his mind, a dangerous thought, very dangerous. Threatening enough for Pride to pause and look at the parent of his drenched in cold sweat. Father was smiling viciously.  
  
''What's wrong Pride?'' Upon realizing his silliness, with shame, he stood back. In the shadows. Something crawled under his skin. Father looked at him, the last thing Pride would've done is to look away from the heavy glance. ''It's a part of a plan. They're more useful as a resource, Pride. You should realize that.''  
  
''I do, Father.''  
  
Pride is jealous of Greed and Lust, he's even envious of the Jealous Envy. All three of them are so dumb and annoying… but it's a world's true that humans aren't born equal, apparently the same rule applies for homunculi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit shorter than all the others, but I meant to make it all about Pride, because despite meaning to make it all Lust-centered, there are other characters I need to give depth to.  
> Anyway, I am glad that you're enjoying this (sarcasm, I don't know if you're enjoying all of this)


	6. Stop making that sad face as though you were a victim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry chirstmas  
> idk

Lust agreed to the proposition and stated that she's interested in getting out to see the world, but as soon as she said that, she regretted it and wanted to turn back. It was too late though, Greed already grabbed her and put her upright and began dragging towards the exit with a big grin. That's kind of concerning since he's a really reckless person.  
He held her tight. There's no escape.

''Um–'' Was all she could muster before being cut off.

''Sorry, no turning back now.'' He grinned over his shoulder making his twin scowl a bit at it. It was almost as if she was doing it automatically. The tunnels leading to exit were humid and dark, like all of them, if not for the years in this darkness, she would be really lost in this labyrinth. Was she going where she thought she is? She spent at that spot quite some time, it's not possible that exit was right next to it! ''Don't be so scared, Father won't know instantly that you were outside if you just lie to him. You can do that, right?''

''I–'' She wanted to unfold her mind, but couldn't because words got stuck in her throat. There were so many things to say – first of all, lie to Father? Second of all, how does he know that Father doesn't know about the trips? Third of all, doesn't he feel… scared? Anxious? Worried? Doesn't he have some instinct of survival?

She couldn't voice it all, because suddenly, there was no oxygen left in lungs nor for her to breathe in and move the vocal cords in her throat, so Lust went silent and obediently followed. Despite making it seem like all she could feel was fear that culminated in her body since she was born, she felt other emotions. For example, excitement, as in, right now. Beneath that fearful expression she made for nearly five years of her life – which was even for humans a short while– she was excited. Foggy flashes of the outside world appeared in mind and the words from her book – oh, the book… she might not get it back from Envy… well, a necessary sacrifice for few days of calmness.

Though… she'd actually rather get it back.

''You know, it's pretty obvious when you lie.'' Greed spoke making Lust raise both of her eyebrows in surprise. Was she so bad at deceiving? ''I mean, at least for me, I have all the time in the world and learned to tell it apart pretty soon. I dread about what's waiting for you in future if everybody will figure you out so easily.''

''Is that so? Well, I can't say I am surprised. I'm bad at many things.''

''Though the rest of the ''family'' can't tell it apart yet and they had as much time–! Quiet now.'' Suddenly his amethyst eyes shifted from her to forward and Greed dropped usual grin and changed the grip from Lust's wrist to her shoulder. Lust's twin's face suddenly went grim as he shoved her against a wall, Lust was about to question it or stab Greed when she heard the familiar swish that made her heartbeat stop for a moment.

It was Pride. He must've been on his way back to Father after accomplishing another errand…

For a moment there didn't exist anything else than the restless, empty heartbeat. That one moment seemed to stretch into eternity.

''Okay, everything is clear!'' The brother's face went back to cheerful-self. She hadn't realized that this whole time she's been breathing shallowly like a wounded prey who didn't want the predator to hear her despite knowing it will be found sooner or later.

Stillness didn't leave her just yet, why did it keep affecting her if that's what she mostly felt for whole five years? The uneasiness made her unable to accomplish anything.

''I advise you avoiding Pride when you're this close to exit. He caught me once and warned that if he finds me again here he will do something to me. I am not fond of fighting the big brother you see.'' Lust realized she dozed off when Greed started talking again. She jumped at the sound of her brother's voice. Controlling her shaking hands, she focused on ignoring the growing stronger voices in her head and responding to what he just said anyhow.

''...yeah, I wouldn't be either.'' Lust replied after a small pause. She ignored hostile, timid and troubled voices of so many souls.

She felt more stress build up in her body – Greed didn't mention before that Pride caught him once, because that would mean that, probably, Pride must be either forgetful of the incident, or warier and will wait around the corner for them to try to come back home and–, well only possible aftermath is purifying for sure, Father didn't allow them going outside yet – if Pride tells Father that they sneaked out… nothing good will come out of over-thinking, it's a horrible habit she needs to get rid off. Lust felt like hitting herself for all the stupid antics she does.

Stupid cowardliness.

Father tries to form her into an individual mind that will help him in creating and proceeding with the plan and she can't even bring herself to do anything risky. There's always a risk of failure, no matter how good the plan is and how the procedure is closely followed. She needs to take risks, to learn, to adapt.

Like humans.

This must be why Father made them able to develop their own personality, so they can look at matters from different perspectives. Father gave them bodies, personalities, and souls and it was their job to develop. If she fails, he will try again, just like he did with previous Lust that was too honest and scared. He killed her and changed small aspects.

Father tore her up, stripped from some aspects of personality – that she feels missing inside of her sometimes when she's alone for too long, it is so hollow and cold then – and made a better daughter.

Father is intelligent and knows how to wait and be patient. He knows how to use things that appear useless, after all, he was the one to blame for the fall of Xerxes. He tricked and controlled humans – a whole nation – while being closed off in a small flask.

I must be a real party-popper for him. Lust couldn't help but think that of herself.

Greed was something else. He was quite amazing. He controlled himself and did what he wanted to – he had fun in that time he's supposed to grow, and honestly, he was growing. Faster than any other homunculi. Sure, he was torn-up and re-formed, but it is visible that those were just minor things that Father hated about his second son. Greed's never afraid.

It's kind of disturbing at some point.

''Hey Lust!''

''Huh?'' Lust looked up from her feet and blinked confused and continued to follow Greed who began moving again. ''Sorry, I was over-thinking.'' She put on a sheepish smile and rose her arm up to rub her neck.

''Sad face doesn't suit you.'' He answered shrugging making his sister stop again.

''I could say the same thing.''

''Lust, have you ever seen me over-thinking or bearing world's gloom? I'm never sad.'' The homunculus grinned, but Lust wasn't sure if he hadn't just… lied.

''Concerning how you speak, I think you shouldn't visit humans anymore.'' She went for a joke instead. Why would Greed who doesn't believe in lies, lie to someone who lies a lot?

''Oh, you just always know what to say to hurt my feelings.'' He joked back. She liked the way things were, they were good, even with all the turbulent feelings. ''So now we're here. This ladder leads you up up up and then you're free, outside breathing the fresh air.'' All right, ha, the exit was indeed in the place Lust liked to think in, splendid. She feels kind of silly now for never noticing an obvious exit.

''It's that simple?'' She mumbled to herself as she sighed with her shoulders dropping. She's feeling really dumb right now.

''Well, you do have to climb it up all the way.'' Greed answered sarcastically, despite not quite spoken to.

''You're an asshat, you know that?'' She passed him and went climbing it up.

''I don't think anybody aside from you uses that as an insult.'' Greed called after her waiting for her to climb some before following.

''How would you know? You've been only a few times among humans.'' She called to him when looking down.

''And you hadn't once.''

''Point taken.'' She chuckled and continued climbing, for a moment nothing else existed besides anticipation of seeing the things her mind screams about in memories that aren't hers. The ladder was hell long. ''Isn't there a shorter way?''

''Afraid you'll lose weight?''

''Shut up!'' Lust gasped and yelled at Greed who only snickered in response, what an asshole! ''You shouldn't speak to a lady that way!''

''You love me!''

''Shut it.'' She joined in the quiet laughter before she stopped and reached up.

''It's a trapdoor you have to push it.''


End file.
